A number of years ago, I went up a mountain with a group of Native American friends who had a yearly tradition of doing a Vision Quest.
This wasn’t a tour company-style thing. It cost no money. It was true to the Lakota style quest. And only about connecting to the Great Mystery and discovering or uncovering your vision for your life.
The community would stay at the bottom of the mountain for the four days, praying and eating, doing sweat lodges and keeping a fire going the entire time.
The Questers, those that felt called to go on the hill that year, would be taken up the mountain carrying their blanket, and placed in a completely isolated spot. And that’s where they were to stay, on that blanket.
No food or WATER for 4 days. No tent. No flashlight. No bug spray. No yoga. No meditating really. Just sit.
It was months of preparation.
Turns out – not eating – not a big deal. You don’t really feel hungry after a while, just low energy.
No drinking – that’s another thing all together. It was very hard. I consulted with a doctor before I went – “how do I know I’m just in discomfort which I can handle, vs I’m going into kidney failure?”
The chief gave us each a tangerine to take with us. Just in case. He said that those of us who came down, without having eaten that tangerine will get something at the end.
There 11 people on the hill that year.
On the 2nd day, I was starting to feel really weak. I heard some rustling behind me and when I stood up, a black bear stood up too. We were eye-gazing so to speak.
Locked eyes, it was incredible, and terrifying. He would have been at me in two steps. There was no way I could outrun him. I wanted to be his friend. But also, I was sitting in a blueberry patch in his territory and also – wild animal that can kill me in a millisecond.
After some very long moments, I did the only thing I could think of, figuring one of us had to make the first move. So it might as well be me. I started sharing my rattle, really really loud. Thank God, he turned and ran away. Phew. That could have gone very differently. I was literally alone. No one would have heard me call for help.
I sat down, now extra exhausted with the adrenaline having been coursing through me. And was mostly grateful for the safe experience of meeting a bear on this great vision quest.
20 min. later, I saw another one. That changed the game completely. Now there are lots of bears on this hill and I’m on a blueberry patch and nighttime is a very long time when I can’t see and don’t have any protection. And I haven’t eaten or had any water in two days. And OMG, I’m gonna die and pretty much straight panic attack.
I threw up and then collapsed in a puddle, crying like I haven’t cried in my life. Just totally psychically let go of whatever ego structure and broke down.
My mind and body had hit a breaking point and I let whatever identity and ego or sense of self go. I chose to stay on the mountain. And surrender to that Great Mystery.
I spoke to it. The first ever time I’ve really prayed and knew what it meant. And asked it to show me what it had to show me (although there wasn’t really a me at that point), and what my life was meant to be about and for.
It was wild.
Over the next little while, I noticed my experience of the incredible nature around me. And that it was the Great Mystery/God etc that I was talking to. It was the same thing. Everything around me was It.
And then I noticed how I am nature too. There is no difference between the tree and the hawk and me. I am also part of nature.
And then I noticed, and truly my only lived experience, that I was It too.
There was no more separation.
I was talking/praying to myself. A self that was much wider than previously experienced.
I didn’t stop praying/talking for the next two days.
Nights were really scary. I didn’t sleep at all. I understood why the first God was the Sun God. We get our sight back and get to live another day.
On the third day that tangerine was making itself really tempting. My body was so weak and the desire for water was so strong.
But I had made the hook up. And I noticed about myself, how when it came down to it, I was not going to do something that would potentially endanger my connection to God/It what have you. I would not eat the tangerine!!!!
That’s when I learned something about myself that I wouldn’t know otherwise. About the depth of the commitment I have to knowing and understanding Truth and the journey and connection to something greater than myself. The fervor and strength with which I pursue it and when I experience it, protect it.
By the 3rd night I was having erotic fantasies about watermelons. But wouldn’t go near that delicious, plump, juicy fruit 3 inches to my left. Or the blueberries I was surrounded by on this blueberry patch.
I made it through. We came down the mountain.
In the sweatlodge welcoming us back – was a big pitcher of watermelon water and the chief asked us to go around and share one word that encapsulated our experience.
My word was Passion.
He then told us, those of us who didn’t eat our tangerines (3 out of 11 of us), this is what we get –
We get to keep it
It took me quite a while once I got home to peel and eat it. And I kept that peel in a pouch over the years.
It is the biggest reminder of my choice and who I am.
When people who I am close to ask me what I do, I tell them I don’t ever share this publicly (this is the first time). I tell them:
I get people to God.
No matter the context that we are working on in our coaching , underneath, that’s what’s happening.
At this point, the peel is mostly dust in the pouch. And these few crumbs.
And one of the most prized items in my home.
